So, anyway, I wrote this - it was supposed to be a take on the "Daniel and the Lion's Den" story, with Rodney as Daniel. (Again, meridith_smith's fault! IT WAS ALL HER, THAT HEATHEN.) Of course, then I researched the actual story, and realized my Bible knowledge is pretty dismal, considering that the only real resemblance the fic bears to the original is that it has a lion's den. Well, WHATEVER. Trust me when I say I'm not devastated over my lack of religious learning. XD
Title: Don't Call Me Daniel
Summary: I think you all have a pretty good idea....
Word Count: 1180
Disclaimer: I SWEAR TO GOD I am not mocking the Bible OR religion. Honest. This was only written for fun. And trust me, there is a difference between "for fun" and "making fun". Yes, I do the latter often. No, this is not one of those times. If you find it offensive, well, I just don't know what to say to you.
The first time Rodney refuses to worship the King's pagan god, it's because he's this close to making an enormous scientific breakthrough – he doesn't have the time or the patience to please the whims of some dictator by groveling at his fake god's altar.
“Yes, yes, that's all well and good, but I'm a busy man and am on the breakthrough of something huge, would you please go away now?” he snaps, waving a careless hand and not even bothering to look up from his equations. The servant bows and, thank God, leaves.
The second time, Rodney has accidentally set his coattails on fire and is hopping around his lab, cursing furiously, when the servant shows up.
“No! In case you're deaf, dumb and blind, now is not a good time!”
The third time, Rodney is eating a real meal for the first time in two days. With real bread and real ham and real vegetables and oh god it tastes amazing. He's reduced to incoherent moans and grunts by the time the servant shows up.
“You should go and worship this time.”
“The king is extremely displeased.”
“He is threatening death to those who do not worship his god.”
“You may die if you do not come.”
The servant gives up. Rodney happily chomps on his meal, mentally and fervently extolling the many virtues of glorious, glorious real food.
The fourth time, the banging on his door continues until Rodney, cursing as he leaves the bubbling tubes of chemicals, opens it and snarls, “What?”
The two forbidding soldiers don't say anything, just give him flat, unamused looks that clearly state you are so dead, little man.
Rodney swallows. “Oh. Shit.”
The King gives him some long speech about how Rodney's refusing to worship his god has dearly offended him and yadda yadda yadda and damn, can't this man get a life beyond hunting down innocent scientists and burning them at heathen alters?
Rodney's completely unrepentant – hello, genius here, has better things to do – that is, until they throw him in a dark cave. Filled with lions.
“Good little lion, just stay away now...” Rodney gulps nervously, because these lions are anything but little and look disturbingly hungry. Which is just inhumane. Who keeps lions around and forgets to feed them?
Oh, but right, he is the food.
Rodney's on the brink of hyperventilating when, out of thin air, a man appears not two feet away from him. Already jumpy, he nearly faints from shock. “Holy fuck!” he yelps, jerking backwards. “Who the hell are you?”
The man, who's surrounded by a faint, ethereal glow, winces. “Do you mind? You just nearly busted my eardrums.” He rubs his right ear as if to emphasize his point.
Rodney, who's feeling less-than-hospitable to the world in general right now, snaps back without restraint. “Yes, and you just nearly gave me a heart attack; which do you think is worse?”
“Point. Okay, we're even,” the man acknowledges. “I'm Jack, by the way.”
Rodney stares blankly.
Jack sighs. “More commonly known as God...?”
“Oh! Right. I'm, um, Rodney, but I guess you knew that already,” Rodney says. When Jack raises an eyebrow, he huffs, “What? This it my first time meeting God, you'll excuse me if I'm a little slow.”
“I thought you were supposed to be a genius,” Jack – God – whatever – says.
“Oh, not fair,” Rodney complains, crossing his arms. “Genius does not equate to socially apt. I'm good with science, not people and – gods.” He gestures at Jack, still unnerved.
“Yes, well. I suppose you're wondering why I'm here,” Jack begins.
Rodney brightens. “Hey, about that. I don't suppose I'd be asking too much if I wanted you to, you know, get me out of here...?” he waves hopefully. “Because, ah, as much as I'm enjoying the company of the... marvelous creatures of your creation...”
“Liar,” Jack mutters under his breath.
“...I kind of have things to do. And, you know, would prefer not to be eaten at this time in my life. Or, actually, ever,” Rodney continues, deciding to ignore Jack's interjection.
Jack sighs slowly, deliberating. “We-e-ll,” he drawls slowly, “I suppose I could stop the lions from eating you. Since you did, you know, obey the Second Commandment and all.”
Rodney blinks at him. “Oh. Um. Right.”
Jack frowns. “You did refuse to worship at the king's pagan god because of your loyalty to me, right?” he asks sternly.
“Um. Well,” Rodney stammers, “I was actually busy at the time, but, ah, I mean, of course. Absolutely.” He nods in a way that he is sure is absolutely not convincing because Jack is frowning at him and oh God, he's going die an agonizingly slow and painful death as lions eat him alive -
“No, you're not, relax,” Jack says, rolling his eyes. Rodney decides not to ask how he knew what he was thinking and concentrates on breathing deeply. “Just – here, I've an idea. How 'bout I ask you three easy questions, and if you get them right, I'll let you off the hook?”
“Three questions – wait, why? What kind of questions? Why can't you just let me out now?” Rodney asks, suspicious.
“Because there's this annoying committee, the DOA*, and they'd throw a fit if I just let you go without proving your complete loyalty and... oh, never mind. Do you want to live or not?” Jack demands.
“Okay, then. Yes or no: you didn't worship the pagan god because you thought it was the wrong thing to do.”
“Yes,” Rodney asks without hesitation. Well, it was. The wrong thing in the name of scientific discovery and advancement, anyway...
“Do you, ah, regularly attend church?”
Rodney decides that once every three months is pretty damn regular for a busy genius. “Yes.”
“Right, last question: what is the First Commandment?”
Rodney blinks. Oh damn, commandments, he always got those mixed up. “Thou shall not... kill?” he guesses desperately. That's the most important commandment, at least – it should go first, right?
Jack shrugs and grins. “Close enough! You're free to go!” And with a majestic wave, he disappears.
Leaving Rodney stuck in the cave. “Hey! You said you'd save me!” he yells to empty space, eyeing the lions in a panic. Great, now he's going to die because God forgot about him -
But, strangely, the lions aren't eyeing him back. In fact, the nearest one yawns spectacularly and drops off to sleep.
Huh. So, not dead, then.
Rodney decides, right then and there, to up that church attendance to twice a month.
-somewhere high above-
“You let him live.”
“But he got the third question wrong.”
Jack sighs and shakes his head. “Ronon, Ronon, my angel friend – that's not what it's about. And besides, he's right; “Thou shall not kill” is the most important commandment.”
Ronon raises an eyebrow, his wings ruffling in doubt. “If you say so.”
“I do say so.”
“What is the First Commandment, anyway?”
Jack shrugs carelessly. “Dunno. Go ask Daniel.”
*DOA - Divine Oversight Advisory. And yes, yes I did just write that. XD
A/N: Again, not my idea - blamemeridith_smith, who started it all by writing a John-as-Adam and Chaya-as-Eve and Rodney-as-the-angel-that-falls-in-love-w
A/N II: Hmm. I think I may have mixed up the commandments. Oh, well, whatever. I know which one is most important, and that's what count, right? :D